If the gym is the gay man’s church, and if Chanel is a gay man’s heaven, then the coffee shop is the gay man’s sandbox. Let me explain, do you remember as a child that the sandbox is where you would sit and think, play with friends, meet new people, and show off your cool new toys. Coffee shops are the grown up version of that. Instead of showing off your cool new toys, you show up in designer clothes, and instead of meeting new people, you might find yourself on a first date. We have replaced sitting and thinking, with sipping cappuccino and reading a novel. Sandboxes are no longer in the park, they are on the corner and in cool new neighborhoods. Either way, the coffee shop is the hip cool place where gay men go to play. Now that we are grown ups, we need to know what we are getting ourselves into. So, here is our guide to coffee.
Whether you take your coffee hot or cold, coffee itself has been refined time and time again. So much so that, there are competitions dedicated to the art of making coffee, espresso, and measuring the talent of a barista. With coffee literally being a commodity, and brewing coffee counts for 1/3 of the tap water used in America, coffee has developed its own subculture. Thus, the coffee snob was born.
What is a coffee snob? If you are thinking that a coffee snob is the trendy boy at the local Starbucks, you are very wrong. A coffee snob is someone who is completely invested into coffee. This could range from searching for specific roasted coffees that are organic and free trade, or from specialty hand grinders and the Aeropress, to attending cuppings. (If you don't know what a cupping is, it is basically like a high end wine tasting, but for coffee.) Seriously though, hell hath no furry like a coffee snob. If you thought a food snob was bad, the coffee snob is much worse, and a gay coffee snob equates to inadequacy at the sandbox.
For years, coffee shops were these progressive, hip poetry reading havens, but now the globalization of coffee shops has taken consumerism to the next level. Starbucks has created the ultimate coffee lifestyle brand and most of the world has bought into it, except for those coffee snobs. If your cappuccino doesn't overflow with a perfect foam, or your latte doesn't have an intricate design flowed in, they won't drink it. Now, if you are adventurous and willing to pay $12 dollars for a cup of coffee, find a coffee snob. If not, stick to your local Starbucks or coffee house.
For those who aren't coffee snobs, but drink coffee frequently try to avoid ordering frappaccinos. Not only are they extremely high in calories, but they are more for show than for taste.
Spice It Up! If sweet coffee isn't your thing, local coffee houses and specialty coffee shops have spicier coffees. If you can't get your hands on those beans, try adding nutmeg/cinnamon, chipotle seasoning, or cayenne pepper to your drink.
Tired of the same ol' coffee date? When going on a coffee date it is always smart to be prepared. Coffee is intimate, and sexy, so make sure you capitalize on that. Ask more intimate questions, and this does not mean you ask, "Are you a bottom?" Questions like: What was your favorite childhood memory? Or, when was your first cup of coffee? Bring a small fun board game, don't bring chess because you have to think. Keep the game in your bag until needed. Pictionary is always fun, and doodling on the napkin can make for a great: Lets scrapbook this moment. Another great thing is to get coffee on the go, and enjoy a nice walk, or stumble into a used bookstore.
Regardless, if you are a coffee drinker or not, it is still
Menu Americano | Shots of espresso diluted with hot water. Black Eye | Dripped coffee with two shots of espresso added in. Café au Lait | The fancy way of saying coffee with milk. Café Bombón | Coffee or espresso with sweet condensed milk. Café Mocha | 1/3 espresso, 1/3 steamed milk, 1/3 steamed chocolate. Cappuccino | Espresso, steamed milk and thick foam, usually overflowing the cup. (Pictured to the left) Doppio | A double shot of espresso extracted with a double filter in the portafilter. Irish Coffee | Drip coffee with whiskey, cream and simple syrup. Macchiato | Meaning 'stained' comes from the foamed milk, with the espresso brewed onto the top. Turkish Coffee | Extremely fine ground Turkish coffee immersed into hot water. Vienna Coffee | Espresso brewed into whipped cream, and stirred till melted.
Breve | Steamed half and half instead of milk. French Press | A press pot, another way to brew coffee by the cup. Upside Down | Adding the espresso last, also known as floating.
WHAT KIND OF MAN DO YOU GET WITH YOUR DRINK?
You can laugh at me all you want, but after all the dates I have gone on, I have formed a little theory. How a man orders his coffee will tell you a lot about who he might be, again this is a theory of mine. It could also be that I spend too much time at the coffee shop.
A man who orders his coffee black is strong, just like his drink. This could be physically strong, emotionally strong with a lot of walls to break down, or being strong in relationship.
Men who order cappuccinos usually have a finesse about them, they seem to appreciate the finer things in life a little more than most.
Soy, that is an indicator that they are particular, artsy and charming. Or they are just lactose intolerant.
Frappaccinos are for boys, or hot summer days, but more or less for boys.
The more specific they are about how they take their coffee, the more analytical they may be. This applies to self analyzation, or of their surroundings, and can be quite hard when applied to themselves.
For those men who don't drink coffee, I don't know how you get out of bed in the morning and start your day.
And then, there are the men who order flavored lattes. I think they might be a little on the more flamboyant side, or sweet side.
The sweeter a guy orders his coffee, the more it seems that he might just want to escape his own life in a cup of coffee.